miscarriage Archives - from Lisa Marie

Warning – I share my full infertility story here, including miscarriage details. This may be too emotional for some people and disturbing for others.

If you have not yet read Let’s Talk About Infertility – please read that first as an introduction to the subject. And then read Part 1 of My Infertility Story. The story continues and finishes here. Why am I sharing it? By speaking up and sharing about my own struggles, I hope to show you that you are not alone in your struggles and to encourage you to step forward and share. Infertility shouldn’t be a secret subject and we should feel comfortable telling others that we are struggling and that we are not okay! My story is actually about secondary infertility but I hope that you find value in it if you are experiencing infertility of any kind. Here is Part 2 of my own infertility story.

From Part 1:

And then, out of the blue, we were surprised by a pregnancy. My cycle was late and I took a test which turned out positive, much to my great surprise! We thought we would finally have another baby, since the pregnancy happened without us stressing or any help from medication. The baby checked out okay at our appointment as well, so we were cautiously optimistic. Everything changed just a few weeks later…

My Infertility Story – Part 2

We had an appointment scheduled near 12 weeks into the pregnancy. If everything checked out, we planned to start telling people that I was pregnant. We did end up telling close family only at this point. Sadly, at the appointment, the doctor and nurse discovered that the baby had already passed away – probably around 10 weeks. It was harder to cope with than in the past because this particular pregnancy had seemed like it was progressing better than any in the past.

At that point, I had a difficult decision to make – either to have a procedure done to remove the baby and scrape the uterus or to let the body miscarry the baby when ready. With either choice, there was risk of hemorrhaging. I decided that letting it happen naturally when my body was ready sounded like the better option. I now wish I had decided differently.

Over 2 weeks went by and I did not have any miscarriage. We had a vacation already scheduled and hoped everything would be okay until we got back from our trip. We left on our already-planned vacation to Montana. While there, we took a side trip through Glacier National Park and enjoyed ourselves. On the drive back from Glacier Park to my parents’ house, I started feeling miserable and realized that the actual process of miscarriage was beginning.

When we got back to my parents’ house, I went immediately to bed, bleeding and in pain. Later, I had to stay in the bathroom for a couple of hours because of the almost non-stop bleeding. We were very concerned about hemorrhaging but I wanted to hold off for a while since the hospital was only a 2-minute drive from the house if we needed to go. Finally, the bleeding seemed to slow just the smallest bit so we decided that I didn’t need to go to the hospital.

The whole process was not only very painful, but very scary, especially the fact that we had to go through it while not being at home. It was emotionally exhausting for both my husband and me. It really was horrible and I wouldn’t want to repeat that experience. Thankfully, at some point I was able to rest and then stayed in bed the next day. I felt sorry for my father and stepmother, though they were very sweet. It’s awkward going through a personal and painful experience in someone else’s home, even if they are family.

That miscarriage affected us more than the others. We had our hopes up that this pregnancy was going to be a successful one. This miscarriage was far more traumatic than the others had been. One of the after-effects, and I’m guessing it’s the same for many women who go through this, is that I developed a fear of getting pregnant. Though on the one hand I wanted to get pregnant and have another child, I also secretly hoped that I would not get pregnant again so that I wouldn’t have a chance of experiencing another miscarriage.

There are definitely psychological issues that go along with infertility – don’t beat yourself up thinking that you should be handling everything well. Don’t feel guilty when experiencing feelings of resentment, anger, heartbreak, fear, failure, low self-worth, and more. Having these feelings while struggling with infertility does not make you a bad person. It’s important to be honest about your feelings (they are normal and you are not the only one experiencing them) so that you can deal with them and ask for help, if needed.

One of the issues that comes up and catches you off guard when you are struggling is hearing a friend or family member announce their pregnancy. I still remember a couple of announcements happening while I was in the midst of infertility. Though my mind knew that I wanted to be happy for them, my heart could not catch up. I faked my smiles and hugs as my thoughts went to wondering why them and why not me and why would they be so bold as to announce a pregnancy so early, when a miscarriage could happen at any time. The things that helped me were prayer and time, but I think if I had opened up and discussed these feelings with somebody, that would have been very helpful as well.

After going through that hardest miscarriage, my medical provider had me listed for three “official” miscarriages (I know that I had more early ones but never officially documented them). This fact triggered genetic testing, which I went ahead and did. When the results were in, I got a phone call. The lab discovered that I had a Protein S deficiency. While not as serious as a protein C deficiency, this does mean that I have an increased risk of developing an abnormal blood clot.

The counselor went over behaviors I should change, medications I should avoid, and recommended that I take a baby aspirin every day as a preventative measure. She said that it may have been a contributing factor in the miscarriages though not the only explanation for not having another child as we also should have conceived more often. The protein deficiency is important to know about for any possible future surgeries I have. It actually was a blessing to have discovered this important health information.

I never had another miscarriage like that one. I had one or two very early miscarriages sometime after that, similar to my first ones and so early that I hadn’t tested for pregnancy yet. There have been no other pregnancies that I am aware of for the last few years. I assume that due to my age, there is not much chance of getting pregnant anymore, though technically it is still possible.

I can’t just say “The End” and leave the story there because you will think this is all so sad and feel sorry for me. You need to know that I’m not sad anymore. I did not pray for God to make me pregnant, but rather prayed for His will to be done – no matter what that was and to give me contentment either way.

I don’t know the reasons why we were only meant to have one child, but our son is certainly a fabulous child and would be hard to top! And we have been able to bless others in many ways over the years, with babysitting, giving rides, making meals, helping financially, etc. that we may not have been able to do as easily if we had a larger family. Over time, God did help me find contentment – it was gradual until I realized one day that I was perfectly happy with and thankful for my little family.

If you are in the midst of struggling with infertility right now or are still dealing with the pain of it from the past, I pray for peace and contentment for you. And I offer you a giant virtual hug! It is not easy and it is painful and often feels lonely. Do reach out and talk about it with family and friends, even if you feel like you’ll make them uncomfortable and they don’t know the right things to say. Ask for prayer and ask friends to just be there for you to listen to you and support you. I’d love to hear from you – I welcome your comments right here on the post as well as on my Facebook page.

Thank you for being here to read my story. Click here to sign up and receive my blog posts by email so you’ll know when I post and we can stay connected.

Warning – I share my full infertility story here, including miscarriage details. This may be too emotional for some people and disturbing for others.

If you have not yet read Let’s Talk About Infertility – I encourage you to read that first. I said in my previous infertility post that “Sometimes we don’t like to make others feel uncomfortable by discussing our own struggles.” But by sharing about our own struggles, we open the door for others to feel brave enough to speak up and share. We also help each other with the comforting fact that we are not alone. My story is actually about secondary infertility but I hope that it feels relevant to anybody experiencing infertility of any kind. Here is Part 1 of my own infertility story (I’m too wordy as usual and had to split into two parts – Part 2 has been published).

My Infertility Story

We didn’t have any fertility issues as far as we knew before having our son. We did wait a few years as we were busy finishing college and working full-time. When we were ready to try to have a child, I got pregnant without any issues and had no complications during the pregnancy. The only crazy thing that happened was that he arrived exactly four weeks early! (So the whole relaxing while taking four weeks off from work before giving birth was not to be. Thus I had a messy house, nothing prepared, and was completely exhausted!)

We didn’t give much thought to when we should try having our next baby. We figured it would happen when it happened. I was so busy taking care of my son that I didn’t think too much about it. When he was between one and two years old, I experienced some strange spotting, unrelated to my monthly cycle. I spoke with a friend who said she had experienced something similar and that it was the fertilized egg implanting. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I began the process with my medical provider – an official urine test, paperwork, a class I had to attend, etc. But sometime after that I had a menstrual cycle and wondered what was going on. A followup test revealed that I was not pregnant.

What had occurred is that I had conceived, then began the process of miscarriage early on (the spotting). I tested positive for pregnancy at that time because I still had high levels of the pregnancy hormones. What I thought was a menstrual cycle after that was actually the miscarriage finishing. It was very disappointing news, but we assumed it was a fluke thing and tried not to dwell on it.

I experienced more of these early miscarriages but did not go to the doctor each time because I was able to recognize the signs on my own. Eventually I went to a fertility specialist. We completed paperwork and they ran all sorts of tests on both of us. One of those tests was to check my uterus and was much more painful than I anticipated. But thankfully all tests came out perfectly fine/normal. We made the decision to move forward with taking the mildest fertility drug which would just increase my natural ovulation and allow us to have better timing.

That was a rough few months. Taking the drug for infertility was similar to having pregnancy hormones all the time, so I was stressed and emotional. I had to go in regularly to see if I was going to ovulate. If I got my menstrual cycle after that, it was assumed that I had not conceived and the cycle started all over again. We had a couple of disappointing months with nothing happening or eggs ready but then not conceiving. Then we were informed that there were four eggs ready to drop at once.

This completely stressed us out, because it meant a possibility, no matter how slight, that all four eggs could be fertilized at once. That would mean quadruplets! I did not feel ready for quadruplets. The doctors told us not to worry about it as we could simply choose not to carry all four if that happened. Our personal beliefs were against that, so we knew if we had four fertilized eggs, then we would carry all four babies!

We started to wonder if we were doing the best thing by taking this medication. We were stressing out about possibly having multiple babies but the multiples were only occurring because of the drug I was taking. We thought maybe it would be better for me not to take the drug. After all the stressing out, I had what seemed like a normal menstrual cycle, which meant I was supposed to start the next round of medication. I started the medication again, as usual.

About a week or more later, I had more bleeding. When I went in to get checked, it turned out that I was pregnant after all (and the medication should never be taken if pregnant). What had most likely happened was that I had three fertilized eggs and miscarried one baby, then lost another shortly after. I had one baby left, but we were excited about that!

I started going through the required pregnancy appointments and classes. Unfortunately at my next checkup, the doctor determined that the baby was too small for its age and that it was not thriving. I was told that I would miscarry. It was my choice whether to end it then with a procedure and lower the risk of hemorrhaging or let the miscarriage happen naturally at some point. I chose to let it happen naturally.

As difficult as it is to have an unexpected miscarriage, it is almost worse walking around knowing that at any moment you will miscarry. I miscarried a few days later. This had been the longest of my pregnancies since our son was born, but had ended at about eight weeks. At that point, we felt that taking the fertility medication while pregnant may have led to the miscarriage. So I decided to stop taking any medication.

It was at this time that we decided to look into adoption – mainly adoption through foster care. We did thoroughly look into it, but I’ll leave that part of the story for another time. We made the decision not to adopt at that time. That decision caused me to experience guilt, which added to the level of stress. It was also stressful listening to my son praying for a brother or a sister and explaining to him that not every family has siblings.

For a year or two, I counted days of cycles and tried ovulation prediction tools. Every time my monthly cycle was a day or two late, I started wondering if I was actually pregnant. If it went longer than three days or so, I took a pregnancy test. The tests were always negative. I had one to two more very early miscarriages, but didn’t go to the doctor for those. I didn’t hold out much hope that I would ever have another successful pregnancy.

I finally made the decision to stop worrying about it and stop counting days, etc. I focused on the blessing we already had – our amazing son, and the many ways our little family was blessed. And then, out of the blue, we were surprised by a pregnancy. My cycle was late and I took a test which turned out positive, much to my great surprise! We thought we would finally have another baby, since the pregnancy happened without us stressing or any help from medication. The baby checked out okay at our appointment as well, so we were cautiously optimistic. Everything changed just a few weeks later…

I’ll publish Part 2 of my infertility story as soon as I finish it. Since I don’t know exactly when I will publish it, I recommend that you click here to sign up and receive my blog posts by email. Then you don’t have to wonder if I have finished the story – you’ll be in the know!

Thank you for stopping by to read my story. If you are experiencing or have experienced infertility, I would love for you to share in the comments. It helps us all to know we’re not alone in our struggles as well as to share encouragement.

Tag: miscarriage

From Part 1:

My Infertility Story – Part 2

My Infertility Story